Last year in November I joined a writers group. It is called the Queer and Affirming Writers Collective and is run by none other than the illustrious and wonderful queer Pastor Mike Maeshiro. In March the group held a writing competition to see who could write the most in 21 days. I ended up winning (barely), writing over 24,000 words. As a result of all that writing I finished book two in the series I have been writing for over fourteen years! Currently I only have part one of book one published. I am working on the novel nearly every day and I am getting closer to publishing the final two parts in book one and the three parts in book two. With the two books finished I have put book three, the next book in the series, on the back burner for a bit and have been writing my fourth book. This fourth book is a memoir about my de-conversion, deconstruction, and migration into Buddhism. I have been reading a fabulous book You Are The Medicine and it has proven to be captivating, inspiring, and in many ways shocking as the book speaks to experiences that happened before I read the book that I could not explain. To find out what I mean, you will just have to read the book review linked above.

So, I have been busy writing this year but no so busy coding... I love to code, and I love to write. However, with my new forays into activism I have not had the time for three passions that make me zero money. Sadly this means that coding has had to take a back seat. I am excited though that I may be landing my first coding job this summer. I don't want to count my eggs before they hatch though so I will refrain on giving any more details for right now.

That is all loyal readers. Go forth into the world in peace and know that you are special, unique, and lovely. Namaste ✌🏽

I rarely censor my writing when published in blog form. Other than glaring spelling or typo mistakes I leave it be. Early this week I wrote an essay (okay, it was more of a book review). I have always thought that it would be a good idea to write a book review after reading a book as it really helps the content sink in and grab a hold in my mind.

I have been down in the dumps a lot this week. I got some bad news on the activism front I have been putting a lot of energy into these past few months. We ended up losing a very powerful ally as they walked back their previous enthusiasm and basically jumped ship. Then the next day I walk into my favorite vegan restaurant to discover that they completely revamped their menu and now the have only two plant based options but dozens of chicken, foi gras, and steak tartare recipes. The betrayal was a hard pill to swallow. Under normal circumstances it would have not hit me so hard but I was already in the dumps with the whole activism setback and this was the straw that broke the camels back (poor camel 😢).

I came across this post in my Instagram feed this morning and it perfectly captured the frustration I have been feeling over the past few weeks with my social media presence. I have an Instagram, Threads, and TikTok that I routinely interact with and create content for. The creation process is pretty fun, I must say. I am really enjoying talking with folks on Threads. That is a really great platform. I hope Meta does not ruin it...

This week I have been giving a lot of thought to the Buddhist idea that everyone want to be happy and that they want to minimize their suffering. Everything we do is centered around that one principle. The Buddhists recognize "Three Poisons" though that threaten our happiness. They are greed, hatred, and delusion - by these "Three Poisons" we bring suffering into our lives and the world around us. If we can combat these three problems though, then we can have a great shot at realizing happiness in our lives. So, what can we do to combat these "Three Poisons"? Well compassion is a great antidote to hatred, generosity counteracts greed, and lastly wisdom combats delusion. Those three antidotes to the three poisons are often referred to as the "Three Seeds of Virtue"

I really love this idea in Buddhism. It is simple, it is straightforward, AND it feels so attainable. I love Buddhism.

So, looping back to the beginning when I said I do not censor myself. I was referring to my last post I started this blog post thinking that I should try and put a positive spin on my last one. However, after re-reading I am okay with the rawness and the honesty. Sure it may be a harsh way to memorialize a sad anniversary but it was a shitty day and I was angry - I am still angry. Because of this anger I recognize that I need to exercise some compassion for those I am angry at.

Lastly, I think it is most important to see that everyone has a lot of delusions and we could all use a little more wisdom in pretty much every area of our life.

Three years ago today my mother died by suicide. She climbed into the bath tub with a gun and ended her life. Her death and the ensuing carnage mostly wrought by "christians" afterwards sent me on a path of deconstruction and disentangling my life from the brainwashing I had undergone for decades within the church.

I became a christian when I was six. My parents were christians and so were my grandparents. So, it felt only natural that I become one too. I was the oldest of six kids. When I was five my mother started homeschooling us. I was home-schooled until I turned sixteen and then I started going to college. When I started attending college it was a small christian community college. Basically my entire formative years before becoming an adult were immersed in fundamentalist evangelical calvinist christian teachings. In short - I was brain washed.

I wrote this back in March of 2023​

For my fortieth birthday (which will be here in five months to the day) I want to have a six pack. I have not had a six pack since I was in my early 20's and a motivated Non-Commissioned Officer in the US Marine Corps. Now I am a dad who spends too much time in front of a computer and enjoys maybe a little too much wine or strong kombucha in the evenings... So, I told my wife of my goal and she suggested that we build a weight lifting room in our garage. However, to make room for it we would need to clear out the shelving in our garage. We had several contractors out to give us quotes on finishing our attic but the price tag was outrageous.

Phew, what a week the last one was. Busy busy busy - and not in the traditional sense of lots of work and self assigned tasks meant to make oneself feel useful or significant. Rather it was a week filled with confronting the messes I have kept buried for years in the vain hope that by ignoring them they would go away.

Welcome to Exploring and Pondering! I am excited to kick off yet another project. This project has been forming in my mind for many months as I struggled to put my finger on the thoughts in my head, the work I am doing (more on that soon), and what keeps me up at night.

So, stay tuned as I launch this endeavor. Let's see where it goes!